The veto power of time

It is one thing to live life, knowing that everyday is important.
It is quite another thing altogether, to live with the knowledge that the immediate future, and indeed the present especially, hold a latent potential and a particularly strong influence on one's life. Or at least on things of immediate concern.

Already, I am aware that all the signs point to an ominous degeneration of my circumstances.
This is, if you like, the decline of a dynasty.
But also the birth crucible of another.

Surely surely, the first semester of year 2008 mark a point of change.
A point where dy/dx = 0.
And so,
for this few weeks of the slightest reprieve,
I am pouring all hope, will and effort into pulling the brakes, and overcoming the inertia.

If anything, I have a vested interest to see that this
turns out to be a minimum point.

After all's said and done.
What's left, is a cocktail of emotions.

I am so proud of myself.
So proud that I delievered a personal best, that
"at last I believed."

I am ashamed.
Ashamed of the foolish thinking that occupied me and took over,
these past few days.
Now lying forsaken, and forgone, is 2 could-have-been blissful days.
What took over was the ugliest display of human frailty.
My frailty.

I am blessed.
Blessed to have had been under the tutelage of 2 very esteemed coaches.
Esteemed, is the last reason I want to give for my deep reverence and studently love I feel towards them.
More than coaches,
the way they pushed us.

And therefore, my greatest sorrow, is not our lost.
there is no lost.

The lessons I learnt are invaluable.
Thank you Mr. Sunni,
It is through you,
I took my first glimpse, at the person I can be.
Thank you for the way you keep believing in me.
The strong faith you showed me, not through telling me you did.
Through the way you'd talk to me, the way you'd engage me,
There is a special way, our little conversations would keep me smiling for a long time thereafter
When I was at my lowest, you were always first to give that confidence-booster.
When I acted badly, when I refused to see worth in my role, you guided me to see that it is

"not the length that matters. Look at Mr Vadi, in his India advertisement, 10 seconds of speech, and he is now so famous!"

It kept me awake at night, those words.
Kept me thinking. Words of wisdom.
And now, I am a believer!

Thank you.
Because you are a breakthrough to me, after all these months of failures. One after another.
That when I first met you, I was a secretly defeated person. Self-doubting. Desparate for some form of reassurance, that my life is not over because of a few failures. That I am not a loser even if I always come in second.

So we lost,
and I wish, I wish.
I want so much for us to win,
So we can do YOU proud..
So that we can bring justice to a person
who deserves far better acclaim, than the 2 straight years of being coach of the losing team at Bridging Minds.
I want so much to do you proud,
to show you exactly how much of good you've done in us.
To show you that you've made me a new person. And for that, we deserve to win. For that, the least we could do was to win, at last.

Heaven knows there is no greater shame,
than the agony that tears at the heart of earnest.
Heaven knows there is no greater desire in the heart of the earnest,
to reveal a glimpse, even a glimpse of indebtitude through a simple win.

Heaven knows why we lost despite our prayers and hopes.
God knows why this outcome is best.

And vaguely, I can too.
Today, I am given inveritable proof,
that achievement and vindiction does not come with success.
But the truest form of attainment lies,
when there is a breakthrough,
a deep learning,
from the process, sealed in one's soul.

I have one,
simple, not easily procured,
profound and impactful, yet easily lost with the passage of time. I will need reminders.

Life-transforming.
Thank you Mr Sunni,
for this first ray of sunlight.

Oh what I would do to have,
the kind of strength it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in,
onto the crashing waves.
To step out of my comfort zone,
into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is.
And he's holding out his hand.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me,
reminding me of all the time,
I tried before and failed.
The waves they keep on telling me,
time and time again,
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story,
the voice of truth,
says "DO NOT BE AFRAID"
The voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have,
the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant,
with just a sling and a stone.
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors,
shaking in their armour,
wishing they'd had the strength to stand.

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me,
reminding me of all the times,
I've tried before and failed.
The giant keeps on telling me, time and time again,
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win!"

But the voice of truth,
tells me a different story,
the voice of truth says "DO NOT BE AFRAID"
the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Of all the voices, calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

I will listen and believe,
I will listen and believe
the voice of truth.

NATO

No action
talk only.

I think it's incredible, the amount of time we spend worrying about the things that are independent of our mental exertions.
This morning, having been dedicated to the discourse of a few such issues, is a testament to the abject futility of our undertakings.

5 people, one entire morning. That's 15 manhours.
Eventually, we may come to see that at the end of the day, the nature of some things neccessitates that they develop in a way that is independent of deliberate effort.

Creativity. "Bonded-ness." Commitment.
What good is there of deliberating such issues?
We pour our lives into worrying about these "problems" - Why do they occur? Why is it bad? How should it be tackled. How is proposed solution 1 troublesome? Why wouldn't proposed solution 2 work either? Why do they occur? Why should we be worried? How was it resolved before? Was it ever resolved? Do we have a solution 3?
There is a redundant cyclical nature in our discourse, and more confoundingly, an inherent redundancy in our discourse itself.

Indeed we will come to realise that when all's said and done,
these things come by naturally, through the passage of time.
Commitment? Culture of excellence? "Bonded-ness?"
All these will come by when we feel a sense of responsibility, when we at last feel we have a stake in things, when we feel we mean something to the community, and therefore, a vested interest to see that things go well.

How do we achieve that?
By spending time together, by having fun together, by empowering one another with responsibilities - by having others feel loved and valued in the said community.
And so, even after examining every angle of the problem, resolution comes simply by doing the right things on a daily basis, thereby encouraging the desired "culture of excellence," "commitment," "bonded-ness."

What are the right things?
Even delegation of manpower, spending time together having dinner or otherwise, showing love and concern through words of encouragement, birthday celebrations etc.
The large pieces - "commitment", "bonded-ness" will fall into place in time to come.

Meanwhile,
the world can do without our futile rantings and musings.

A thought provoking day

The the catchy tune of "low" permeated the stands and tempted my feet to tap to the beat,
I was painfully aware that I had never heard the song in such low spirits as did occupy me at that point in time.

The victory songs that blasted through the air, resonating with the cheers from the MJ stands,
the raucous party just metres away at the other end of the stadium and its stark contrast to the subdued emotions of the wall of people behind me.

A cacophony of bursting clappers sounded like happy fireworks punctuated periodically by an aggravatingly demagogical emcee-voice emanating from a loud amplifier. All these seem to rudely trespass the almost sanctified stupor that half the stadium remained suspended in.

Perfect. The perfect victory scene.
Just that the winner isn't VJ this time.
Looking at the disappointed (which is an understatement) faces of the yellow shirts on the field, I could feel their anguish. An anguish I shared. An anguish so thick and tangible in the air, I could almost pluck a handful out of it, and taste its bitter-sour on my lips.
Looking at the red shirts just in front of me, I could distinctly remember how it felt like last year, after the match against RJC in CCAB. Voices spent, emotions wrangled, but with the same dogged determination to maintain a face of optimism and spirit. "Chins up" indeed. Well said, Daniel.
The band-aids that litter the floor, the bold red Chinese drum that now lay subdued and quietened.
All around, I could sense the pulse of life. A rhythm I know too well.

The questions came fast and furious.
"Let not our will but Yours be done. Is this Your will Lord?"
"Why should it end this way?"
While these were running amok through my mind, I couldn't help but notice the parodox of victory and defeat juxtaposed side by side. How would it have been different if VJ had been the champions?
Surely the very same songs, so clearly hand-picked beforehand, would have filled the stadium with the same joyous tone of congratulations for the champions and the same rude and jarring clash with the sombre atmosphere on the side of the losers.

VJ could have won, VJ lost.
MJ could have lost, MJ won.

To what, did they owe the honour?
And haven't our players trained hard, prayed hard and played hard too?
It could have been our victory for the very same reasons it is now theirs.
And yet what did it matter?
It has happened - the concluding piece layed down as real as real can be upon the shrill cry of the final whistle we began to fear, when we approached the final minutes.

"Is this life?"
I found my inner voice inquire.
And almost immediately, as if the answer came at once from a realisation I had already reached subconsciously,
"Yes it is."

Reality. As real as real can be.
That we may endeavour, but hard work does not guarantee anything.
That we can hope and pray, but miracles don't always happen when we do.
Yes, go on, work hard, play hard and pray hard, but nothing is set in stone.
Even the best falls down sometimes.

As I stumbled upon this path of reconciliation with reality,
I began to see that perhaps the greater victory lies with the VJ boys too,
that in this defeat lay hidden (like a thimble in the pudding)
a precious and valuable firsthand insight into a hard truth of life that they will be able to appreciate more, despite going home with a silver medal.

It's been such a long time since I last blogged.
Well, I decided moments ago that one month is long enough a time to have not been blogging.
So here I am, at it again.

Things have been so different.
If anything, I wasn't for the want of blog-worthy posts, but for the time to blog about them.

I'm confronted by the idea that the past owes me its continued existence.
That the comfort and ease, rudely taken away wth the simple passage of time should naturally incur my indignation.
That every failure should be greeted with the blame that I have been displaced from my past.
That I am still adapting, still getting use to things...

And yet I know better.
The truth, rude and raw,
is that the past can not and will not hide me from my present inadequacies.
That my life will not be determined by a single failure, nor a solidary success.

What little past rights I can lay claim to will scarcely hold, because what matters is the now.
If there is to be a moment of maturity, it will be when I grasp the crude reality of things, and embrace my responsibility in its unfolding.

If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox.

And perhaps most tragically, time will not wait.
There will be a day we jerk awake from our labour's slumber.
So what?
More primarily, when will that happen?

I worry everyday, that when it finally comes, it'll be too little too late.

There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of a leaning into the light

SAY NO TO NO

Isn't it high time someone got negative about negativity?
Yes it is.
Look around.
The world is full of things that, according to
nay-sayers, should never have happened.
"Impossible."
"Impractical."
"No."
And yet "Yes"
Yes, continenets have been found.
Yes, men have played golf on the moon.
Yes, straw is being turned into biofuel to power cars.

Yes,
yes,
yes.

What does it take to turn no into yes?
Curiosity.
An open mind.
A willingness to take risks.
And, when the problem becomes most insoluble,
when the challenge is hardest,
when everyone else is shaking their heads,
to say: let's go