After all's said and done.
What's left, is a cocktail of emotions.

I am so proud of myself.
So proud that I delievered a personal best, that
"at last I believed."

I am ashamed.
Ashamed of the foolish thinking that occupied me and took over,
these past few days.
Now lying forsaken, and forgone, is 2 could-have-been blissful days.
What took over was the ugliest display of human frailty.
My frailty.

I am blessed.
Blessed to have had been under the tutelage of 2 very esteemed coaches.
Esteemed, is the last reason I want to give for my deep reverence and studently love I feel towards them.
More than coaches,
the way they pushed us.

And therefore, my greatest sorrow, is not our lost.
there is no lost.

The lessons I learnt are invaluable.
Thank you Mr. Sunni,
It is through you,
I took my first glimpse, at the person I can be.
Thank you for the way you keep believing in me.
The strong faith you showed me, not through telling me you did.
Through the way you'd talk to me, the way you'd engage me,
There is a special way, our little conversations would keep me smiling for a long time thereafter
When I was at my lowest, you were always first to give that confidence-booster.
When I acted badly, when I refused to see worth in my role, you guided me to see that it is

"not the length that matters. Look at Mr Vadi, in his India advertisement, 10 seconds of speech, and he is now so famous!"

It kept me awake at night, those words.
Kept me thinking. Words of wisdom.
And now, I am a believer!

Thank you.
Because you are a breakthrough to me, after all these months of failures. One after another.
That when I first met you, I was a secretly defeated person. Self-doubting. Desparate for some form of reassurance, that my life is not over because of a few failures. That I am not a loser even if I always come in second.

So we lost,
and I wish, I wish.
I want so much for us to win,
So we can do YOU proud..
So that we can bring justice to a person
who deserves far better acclaim, than the 2 straight years of being coach of the losing team at Bridging Minds.
I want so much to do you proud,
to show you exactly how much of good you've done in us.
To show you that you've made me a new person. And for that, we deserve to win. For that, the least we could do was to win, at last.

Heaven knows there is no greater shame,
than the agony that tears at the heart of earnest.
Heaven knows there is no greater desire in the heart of the earnest,
to reveal a glimpse, even a glimpse of indebtitude through a simple win.

Heaven knows why we lost despite our prayers and hopes.
God knows why this outcome is best.

And vaguely, I can too.
Today, I am given inveritable proof,
that achievement and vindiction does not come with success.
But the truest form of attainment lies,
when there is a breakthrough,
a deep learning,
from the process, sealed in one's soul.

I have one,
simple, not easily procured,
profound and impactful, yet easily lost with the passage of time. I will need reminders.

Life-transforming.
Thank you Mr Sunni,
for this first ray of sunlight.

Oh what I would do to have,
the kind of strength it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in,
onto the crashing waves.
To step out of my comfort zone,
into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is.
And he's holding out his hand.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me,
reminding me of all the time,
I tried before and failed.
The waves they keep on telling me,
time and time again,
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story,
the voice of truth,
says "DO NOT BE AFRAID"
The voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have,
the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant,
with just a sling and a stone.
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors,
shaking in their armour,
wishing they'd had the strength to stand.

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me,
reminding me of all the times,
I've tried before and failed.
The giant keeps on telling me, time and time again,
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win!"

But the voice of truth,
tells me a different story,
the voice of truth says "DO NOT BE AFRAID"
the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Of all the voices, calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

I will listen and believe,
I will listen and believe
the voice of truth.

NATO

No action
talk only.

I think it's incredible, the amount of time we spend worrying about the things that are independent of our mental exertions.
This morning, having been dedicated to the discourse of a few such issues, is a testament to the abject futility of our undertakings.

5 people, one entire morning. That's 15 manhours.
Eventually, we may come to see that at the end of the day, the nature of some things neccessitates that they develop in a way that is independent of deliberate effort.

Creativity. "Bonded-ness." Commitment.
What good is there of deliberating such issues?
We pour our lives into worrying about these "problems" - Why do they occur? Why is it bad? How should it be tackled. How is proposed solution 1 troublesome? Why wouldn't proposed solution 2 work either? Why do they occur? Why should we be worried? How was it resolved before? Was it ever resolved? Do we have a solution 3?
There is a redundant cyclical nature in our discourse, and more confoundingly, an inherent redundancy in our discourse itself.

Indeed we will come to realise that when all's said and done,
these things come by naturally, through the passage of time.
Commitment? Culture of excellence? "Bonded-ness?"
All these will come by when we feel a sense of responsibility, when we at last feel we have a stake in things, when we feel we mean something to the community, and therefore, a vested interest to see that things go well.

How do we achieve that?
By spending time together, by having fun together, by empowering one another with responsibilities - by having others feel loved and valued in the said community.
And so, even after examining every angle of the problem, resolution comes simply by doing the right things on a daily basis, thereby encouraging the desired "culture of excellence," "commitment," "bonded-ness."

What are the right things?
Even delegation of manpower, spending time together having dinner or otherwise, showing love and concern through words of encouragement, birthday celebrations etc.
The large pieces - "commitment", "bonded-ness" will fall into place in time to come.

Meanwhile,
the world can do without our futile rantings and musings.